My sister is flying in from chicago today. I love my sister. She gets me like nobody else and we have the most fun and the most laughs when we're together because we have the same twisted sense of humor.
Yay me!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Old patterns
I have this simplistic way of looking at things at times. I tend to think that everything in life is a pattern. That you might not understand it or might not be far enough away from it to see it, but things are cyclical and aren’t pre-determined but have the tendency to follow…look. It’s a pattern okay?
I find myself slipping back into my old convections. But Susan, convection is the movement of molecules within fluids, you say. Um, yeah. I can’t speak. Nor type. I’m rendered impotent. I feel impotent.
Have I happened to mention that I’m depressed? No? Not get in the car and drive to Laie and get absorbed into the Polynesian Cultural Center Cult sort of depressed. Just sleep all day and not do anything sort of depressed. The low level of depression that doesn’t involve thoughts of suicide, sort of depressed. So things aren’t really that bad. But I hate feeling this way.
The trial (I went to TRIAL) was sort of soul sucking. The situation with my friend that went down in a ball of flames and ashes was heavy. I should just recount it here, get it out of my system, and be done with it.
I had a close friend of mine rat me out (or rather threatened to rat me out) over bullshit. I don’t like rats. So I un-friended her. This is what I’ll say about un-friending someone while living on an island. I don’t recommend it. The best way to un-friend a friend is the slow fade out. Or the time honored favorite of ignoring their ass and hoping that they will stop trying to contact you. This is an island and you will see the person again, so its better to do the slow fade out or similar. But she wouldn’t get the slow fade out and ignore. She started calling my man and my work because I wasn’t answering her calls. So I basically did what I totally don’t recommend anyone do, if they live on an island. I told her to lose my number and leave me and my family alone. That if I saw her on the street that I’d be cordial, but I don’t want anything more to do with her again.
The thing is she’s kookoo crazy. She in short, started a 3 month long campaign of harassment against me using emails, im, phone calls and texts. But like 13 texts at a time recounting all the nice shit she had ever done for me mixed in with crazy threats of my losing my job or having police show up to my place of employment sort of threats. At first the threats were kind of cute. Then when it kept happening it got kind of disturbing.
On one hand I was really flattered by the attention. Because face it, exuding that much hate requires a pre-occupation of sorts. And the fact that anyone was preoccupied with me is really nice. I think this probably because I’m inordinately vain and narcissistic.
Anyhoo, her house gets burglarized, she thinks it was my doing, and she gets a temporary restraining order against me. She got it in her mind that I threatened her life during our falling out and now thinks that I broke into her house, stole her jewelry and her mother’s starter pistol all because I hate her. I think I could do much better than that if I truly wanted to bring her down. Of which I’d share, but then you might think me mad, so I’ll keep to myself. I’d be happy to divulge this in person though, so remember to ask me about it when you see me next.
Mind you I hadn’t talked to her in months and she had been regularly harassing me. So I had to go to court to respond to her allegations of harassment. She didn’t have her witnesses with her and she tried for a continuance, but because she had dragged me to court, the judge said that we would go to trial later that day.
In responding to court, I had no idea that I would be having a formal trial at all. It was surreal. It was like going to trial over our friendship. My relationship being retold by her under oath on the stand. My handing the judge the timeline of the demise of our friendship with evidence tabbed and highlighted for easy referral. Her recounting all the nice things she ever did for me, then saying that I could have easily broken into her home stolen her jewelry, and still had time for lunch. My cross examining her (!!!) and skewering her on the stand when she either didn’t remember or stated that she did in fact send me emails, texts, im’s threatening me with police (for the burglary…) and with calling my HR department to rescind the reference that she gave me mere months previous, among other ridiculous things.
She basically perjured herself on the stand and she had no evidence against me but I had a huge folder of evidence in the form of phone records and text records, etc. against her. She said she had witnesses but since the alleged threats took place on the phone, and her retelling them to her mother and HR director is hearsay, it was considered inadmissible. I didn’t even get a chance to go on the stand to testify because the judge had already heard enough. The judge was incredulous when my antagonist had testified that she had texted me after she served me with the TRO asking me to contact her. The judge was all, “why were you contacting them repeatedly if you were afraid of them?” and she responded, she was doing it in “self defense.” Koo koo crazy right? The judge told her she wasn’t a credible witness and that she would have awarded a TRO against her and had her pay my attorney’s fees if I had an attorney. So it was nice to have been sided with by a judge in a court of law. It was a total waste of tax dollars though and Hawaii is broke like an egg yolk. The good is that she hasn’t contacted me since she got yelled at by the judge.
So I should be on a high of sorts right? Having won my court case by myself and all? But I don’t feel good. I stopped a few things in order to concentrate on winning, like my weekly music gathering etc. And now I feel a bit karappo. Or empty. Which is a symptom of depression I suppose.
I was thinking of doing an art project with all of the evidence I had of the harassment. Like posting the harassing texts and the like on my blog. I may do that tonight. Just for entertainment purposes. And for cathartic purposes. I start tongight.
I find myself slipping back into my old convections. But Susan, convection is the movement of molecules within fluids, you say. Um, yeah. I can’t speak. Nor type. I’m rendered impotent. I feel impotent.
Have I happened to mention that I’m depressed? No? Not get in the car and drive to Laie and get absorbed into the Polynesian Cultural Center Cult sort of depressed. Just sleep all day and not do anything sort of depressed. The low level of depression that doesn’t involve thoughts of suicide, sort of depressed. So things aren’t really that bad. But I hate feeling this way.
The trial (I went to TRIAL) was sort of soul sucking. The situation with my friend that went down in a ball of flames and ashes was heavy. I should just recount it here, get it out of my system, and be done with it.
I had a close friend of mine rat me out (or rather threatened to rat me out) over bullshit. I don’t like rats. So I un-friended her. This is what I’ll say about un-friending someone while living on an island. I don’t recommend it. The best way to un-friend a friend is the slow fade out. Or the time honored favorite of ignoring their ass and hoping that they will stop trying to contact you. This is an island and you will see the person again, so its better to do the slow fade out or similar. But she wouldn’t get the slow fade out and ignore. She started calling my man and my work because I wasn’t answering her calls. So I basically did what I totally don’t recommend anyone do, if they live on an island. I told her to lose my number and leave me and my family alone. That if I saw her on the street that I’d be cordial, but I don’t want anything more to do with her again.
The thing is she’s kookoo crazy. She in short, started a 3 month long campaign of harassment against me using emails, im, phone calls and texts. But like 13 texts at a time recounting all the nice shit she had ever done for me mixed in with crazy threats of my losing my job or having police show up to my place of employment sort of threats. At first the threats were kind of cute. Then when it kept happening it got kind of disturbing.
On one hand I was really flattered by the attention. Because face it, exuding that much hate requires a pre-occupation of sorts. And the fact that anyone was preoccupied with me is really nice. I think this probably because I’m inordinately vain and narcissistic.
Anyhoo, her house gets burglarized, she thinks it was my doing, and she gets a temporary restraining order against me. She got it in her mind that I threatened her life during our falling out and now thinks that I broke into her house, stole her jewelry and her mother’s starter pistol all because I hate her. I think I could do much better than that if I truly wanted to bring her down. Of which I’d share, but then you might think me mad, so I’ll keep to myself. I’d be happy to divulge this in person though, so remember to ask me about it when you see me next.
Mind you I hadn’t talked to her in months and she had been regularly harassing me. So I had to go to court to respond to her allegations of harassment. She didn’t have her witnesses with her and she tried for a continuance, but because she had dragged me to court, the judge said that we would go to trial later that day.
In responding to court, I had no idea that I would be having a formal trial at all. It was surreal. It was like going to trial over our friendship. My relationship being retold by her under oath on the stand. My handing the judge the timeline of the demise of our friendship with evidence tabbed and highlighted for easy referral. Her recounting all the nice things she ever did for me, then saying that I could have easily broken into her home stolen her jewelry, and still had time for lunch. My cross examining her (!!!) and skewering her on the stand when she either didn’t remember or stated that she did in fact send me emails, texts, im’s threatening me with police (for the burglary…) and with calling my HR department to rescind the reference that she gave me mere months previous, among other ridiculous things.
She basically perjured herself on the stand and she had no evidence against me but I had a huge folder of evidence in the form of phone records and text records, etc. against her. She said she had witnesses but since the alleged threats took place on the phone, and her retelling them to her mother and HR director is hearsay, it was considered inadmissible. I didn’t even get a chance to go on the stand to testify because the judge had already heard enough. The judge was incredulous when my antagonist had testified that she had texted me after she served me with the TRO asking me to contact her. The judge was all, “why were you contacting them repeatedly if you were afraid of them?” and she responded, she was doing it in “self defense.” Koo koo crazy right? The judge told her she wasn’t a credible witness and that she would have awarded a TRO against her and had her pay my attorney’s fees if I had an attorney. So it was nice to have been sided with by a judge in a court of law. It was a total waste of tax dollars though and Hawaii is broke like an egg yolk. The good is that she hasn’t contacted me since she got yelled at by the judge.
So I should be on a high of sorts right? Having won my court case by myself and all? But I don’t feel good. I stopped a few things in order to concentrate on winning, like my weekly music gathering etc. And now I feel a bit karappo. Or empty. Which is a symptom of depression I suppose.
I was thinking of doing an art project with all of the evidence I had of the harassment. Like posting the harassing texts and the like on my blog. I may do that tonight. Just for entertainment purposes. And for cathartic purposes. I start tongight.
Monday, October 19, 2009
radio silence
i've been silent on this here blog for a long long time. mostly because there was some major drama going on in my life. major drama caused by a girl who was quite close to me who went psycho and not only thought that i threatened her life (???) but thought i burglarized her house and stole her mother's starter pistol.
what am i going to do with a starter pistol? and when can i fit in breaking an entering between laundry, dinner, work, and kid?
anyways shit has been backward crazy lately. mostly because of this girl and her misguidedness and her untreated borderline personality disorder (which we as armchair psychiatrists diagnosed her with). i even had to go to court over this, and was eventually vindicated, but those weeks dealing with her and her tear of texts (13 at a time) threatening my job and threatening me with police...had had its toll.
i'm a bit tapped out at the moment.
but i'm back. sort of.
i've things to impart.
i'll try again tomorrow.
what am i going to do with a starter pistol? and when can i fit in breaking an entering between laundry, dinner, work, and kid?
anyways shit has been backward crazy lately. mostly because of this girl and her misguidedness and her untreated borderline personality disorder (which we as armchair psychiatrists diagnosed her with). i even had to go to court over this, and was eventually vindicated, but those weeks dealing with her and her tear of texts (13 at a time) threatening my job and threatening me with police...had had its toll.
i'm a bit tapped out at the moment.
but i'm back. sort of.
i've things to impart.
i'll try again tomorrow.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
6:00am Run Session
So I've bitched and not bitched about my size. I'm not satisfied with it. I haven't done anything about it really because I'm not that motivated by my appearance. Or rather, as long as I don't look into a mirror, I'm really quite fine with everything.
I've talked about the quick fix, the meth habit, that would give me energy and allow me to drop a shocking amount of weight in a short span of time. But who has the money or the shady friends who could get a hold of this for me? Exactly. So I've had to scratch that.
Last night I went for cocktails with my friend Stephanie. She took me out for drinks and pupus, but it turned out to be for drinks only. It was pretty fun, and I got home in time to put my 'Idy Lenore to bed. We also made a pact to get together at 6am the following morning to go exercising.
She had to go perform at a night club. I had the luxury of going to bed by 1am to wake up to go running. But when morning came around, I couldn't reach her at all. So I said fuck it, I 'll go by myself. I, Susan decided on my own accord to go running at 6 in the morning on a Saturday. Inconceivable.
I was a sight to see. Black tank blue capri work out pants, fro in a bun steady hoofing it up Ala Wai Blvd. I walked the first 15 minutes then ran the rest of the 30 minutes. I am super sweaty, face is beet red and my feet has muscles or tendons that I was never aware of.
The thing is I used to be in track, so I know how to do this, its just that I haven't moved my carcass in years, so its very difficult. I am proud that I kept pushing myself to the next Ala Wai stairwell. I actually felt those endorphins after the exercise and I feel really good after having ran. But the endorphins are fading and the feel good experience is also sadly fading. If this endorphin thing lasted longer, then I might be game for this on the regular. However I'm sick of being my size, so I think I'm going to make a concerted effort to continue running. We'll see how it goes.
I start again in a few days. stay sore.
Friday, September 11, 2009
crowd politics
I’ve been to many a show and sold out this and that. There are rules to getting through a crowd without pisssing people off around you. I just attended the Modest Mouse Concert, and thank god there wasn’t a pyrotechnics display on stage because ¾ of the people wouldn’t have made it out alive. Believe this.
There was girl who was trying to get her way through the crowd and was pushing and shoving and was bitching the entire way. No one was saying much, but then she got to me. Out of my way she said. And I said, “there’s a correct way to get though a crowd.” To which she responded, Get the fuck out of my way, I have VIP passes and you don’t Bitch. Then I said, “You self entitled cunt. You're not the only one with VIP passes.” I got props from the nearby onlookers.
Then she loops around and gets behind me and tries to push past me, but I hold her back with my arm and push forward to VIP myself with my friend in tow. She bitched and moaned to let her through, but with that attitude, Hells NO! What she was doing was pushing me hard from behind. Which was fine because everyone saw it was her pushing and it just got me to where I was going all the faster.
But then I totally forgot what she looked like. She was an average white girl and kinda didn’t have any redeeming features physically, so then I was small kind paranoid that she might cold clock me from behind once I was in VIP but no such thing.
While at the concert, there were other petty arguments and people’s attitude for having their space infringed upon. But its like come on! It’s a sold out concert! Deal! People need to learn the whats what in crowded situations that’s for sure. I may get around to the how to and not of crowd negotiations. In the meantime, I’m the girl you want to follow to get where you need to go.
There was girl who was trying to get her way through the crowd and was pushing and shoving and was bitching the entire way. No one was saying much, but then she got to me. Out of my way she said. And I said, “there’s a correct way to get though a crowd.” To which she responded, Get the fuck out of my way, I have VIP passes and you don’t Bitch. Then I said, “You self entitled cunt. You're not the only one with VIP passes.” I got props from the nearby onlookers.
Then she loops around and gets behind me and tries to push past me, but I hold her back with my arm and push forward to VIP myself with my friend in tow. She bitched and moaned to let her through, but with that attitude, Hells NO! What she was doing was pushing me hard from behind. Which was fine because everyone saw it was her pushing and it just got me to where I was going all the faster.
But then I totally forgot what she looked like. She was an average white girl and kinda didn’t have any redeeming features physically, so then I was small kind paranoid that she might cold clock me from behind once I was in VIP but no such thing.
While at the concert, there were other petty arguments and people’s attitude for having their space infringed upon. But its like come on! It’s a sold out concert! Deal! People need to learn the whats what in crowded situations that’s for sure. I may get around to the how to and not of crowd negotiations. In the meantime, I’m the girl you want to follow to get where you need to go.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
things blown
my 4x10 cab speaker: completely blown. i had my amp on 11 and it was as loud as a crappy cd player from sears. boo.
my money: in one hand and out almost immediately to the myriad of bills then food, then preschool, then gas, then pau. can't wait for public education. what would you do with an extra $700 a month? i'd buy a new speaker for starters.
my head: to pieces after i get a recording offer from someone who recorded the breeders and mars volta.
smoke up dakine: i think he may have been hitting on me more than wanting to record me because we sounded like crap that night. but then maybe he saw what i was doing...refer back to previous. but then again who would hit on me? stay here.
my money: in one hand and out almost immediately to the myriad of bills then food, then preschool, then gas, then pau. can't wait for public education. what would you do with an extra $700 a month? i'd buy a new speaker for starters.
my head: to pieces after i get a recording offer from someone who recorded the breeders and mars volta.
smoke up dakine: i think he may have been hitting on me more than wanting to record me because we sounded like crap that night. but then maybe he saw what i was doing...refer back to previous. but then again who would hit on me? stay here.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
things heard..../ fantasy football
i'll be everything you ask and more.... *sigh*
give in to your worst impulse. *i'm now taking instructions from the universe....i have, and it's going to suck*
so i recently joined my job's fantasy football league. i like football a lot. but not enough to know stats and stuff of players not on my team, much less on my own team (broncos). i did it mostly to improve my social standing, which sounds ridiculous, but i haven't been invited to cocktails or coffee or lunch since i've been at work, so i wanted to join in in whatever forum there was to be social. because the man watches espn 24/7 i have somehow absorbed enough info about players, much to my surprise, to cobble together a good enough team for being placed dead center during draft day.
it should be noted that for the most part, i joined for the sanctioned smack talk. i love talking shit as much as the next person. maybe more. but should i shit talk a co-worker? hard to say. i started my shit talking during the draft and was told to step away from the crack pipe so this may not be the ideal forum to ingratiate myself with my co-workers with my witty poo tossing. but why do i even care? i guess its because i'm finally working with people who aren't avid disney fan's or jesus freaks for a change. i might actually have something in common with these people. i may want to make more in-depth small talk than what’s going on with the rail-transit system on Oahu or what i did during the weekend.
in reality this may not segue into cocktails or witty conversation. What I probably signed up for is natterings like how dope i am for taking earl bennet, because he used to play with cutler at vanderbuilt and how they’re now on the same team kinda stuff or psyching out a coworker into dropping thomas jones on account of not having signed a contract yet for starters.
it should be noted that i'm understimulated in conversation having lost the one girlfriend i talked almost daily to, so this is what i've resorted to. fantasy football. we'll see how this one shakes out.
give in to your worst impulse. *i'm now taking instructions from the universe....i have, and it's going to suck*
so i recently joined my job's fantasy football league. i like football a lot. but not enough to know stats and stuff of players not on my team, much less on my own team (broncos). i did it mostly to improve my social standing, which sounds ridiculous, but i haven't been invited to cocktails or coffee or lunch since i've been at work, so i wanted to join in in whatever forum there was to be social. because the man watches espn 24/7 i have somehow absorbed enough info about players, much to my surprise, to cobble together a good enough team for being placed dead center during draft day.
it should be noted that for the most part, i joined for the sanctioned smack talk. i love talking shit as much as the next person. maybe more. but should i shit talk a co-worker? hard to say. i started my shit talking during the draft and was told to step away from the crack pipe so this may not be the ideal forum to ingratiate myself with my co-workers with my witty poo tossing. but why do i even care? i guess its because i'm finally working with people who aren't avid disney fan's or jesus freaks for a change. i might actually have something in common with these people. i may want to make more in-depth small talk than what’s going on with the rail-transit system on Oahu or what i did during the weekend.
in reality this may not segue into cocktails or witty conversation. What I probably signed up for is natterings like how dope i am for taking earl bennet, because he used to play with cutler at vanderbuilt and how they’re now on the same team kinda stuff or psyching out a coworker into dropping thomas jones on account of not having signed a contract yet for starters.
it should be noted that i'm understimulated in conversation having lost the one girlfriend i talked almost daily to, so this is what i've resorted to. fantasy football. we'll see how this one shakes out.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
the gauche feat. your girl su
oh my god. i have been geeking out on really good music lately. like really good stuff. its the stuff that makes you buoyant for the next few hours. and buoyant i've been.
so we got a band name down. temporarily anyways. it was between livewire and the gauche, and livewire is too rock i think. a bit cliche. i like the gauche for many reasons. its french for left. it means tactless and lacking social grace which appeals to my middle fingers. and it sounds like a frat boy nickname to the uninitiated. also the people i've asked about it didn't know what gauche meant or how to spell it, so there's a bit of snob factor thrown in there. et voila, the gauche.
my guitarist wants to name it The Gauche feat. Susan XXXX. this totally appeals to the bottomless dark god hole that is my ego, but i don't think so. maybe for one gig only so i have it on a flyer and can put it in the ol' pile.
things are finally linking up for your girl.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Proud Mama
I came home from running errands yesterday to find the kid with microphone in hand hooked up to a mini star shaped amplifier singing passionately into her speaker. Adorable right? My baby girl is so musical. I love the cadence of her speech, her sing songy replies that begin with "so..." and how she sings along to songs I love. Driving her to school in the mornings with her singing, "Bleed Black" along to AFI makes my heart do backflips.
Right now she's having equipment issues. A friend bought her this American Idol toy fit for 8 year olds that has this microphone and a baby amplifier/speaker that runs on 9volts that amplifies and adds a bit of growl/bite with a dose of feedback for output. Cass asked me to help fix it and I'm trying to teach her how to trouble shoot it. Did she check her cable? What about the jack? Did she try putting the jack into another input? And how she will need to move away from the speaker to get rid of feedback. This all surely goes over her head but it makes my black black heart go all twingy like.
The grandiose side of me finds particular joy in imparting knowledge on stage and performance to her. As if I'm preparing her for the inevitable foray into performance of some kind in the future. From simply teaching her how to hold a microphone to wrapping cables and little things on audience, etc I've been dropping very elementary bits of knowledge on her. In addition to her stage tutiledge, I've decided to start her music education formally. I've concrete ideas of how this education should go, what genres covered when and which instruments introduced in what order. It likely won't go this way, but making that list was one of the more enjoyable 15 minutes in recent memory.
My objective with Cassidy at this young age is to teach her about rhythm. To start out with, I just want her to be able to scat or sing a verse in time to the music without slowing down or speeding up. For verse, I taught her, "break it up, break it down." And I put on disco (kids love disco), we dance and sing break it up, break it down! with her to the beat. She's pretty good and stays on beat for the most part. Another thing I'm teaching her is finding the "one". Some people never find the one, so its a lofty aim, but so much will be downhill for her once she finds that. I love my squeeky-face.
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